5 Things I Wish My Church Taught Me About Sexuality Before I Turned 25

index In the beginning God created the earth, the sky, the sea, the plants and the animals and He looked around and saw that it was very good. But He still was not content. He wanted someone with whom He could share life more deeply and more intimately, so He created a man named Adam. God was happy with Adam. Adam seemed to fit the job description of being someone who could commune and love God, but this time God wasn’t completely satisfied. He said, “there’s something missing. It’s not good for a man to be alone. He needs community. He needs someone who He can share his time with and give his life completely to.” And so God created a helper for Adam. Her name was Eve. Once both men and women were created, God saw that it was very good. And thus the human race began.

This story is one of the first Bible stories I ever learned and I am grateful that I did. It shows from the outset that God has certain priorities for His children, and these have not changed even several thousand years later. God has intentionally wired us for friendships, for relationships, and for many of us, for marriage. God didn’t design life to be done solo, He desired for us to have people to share our thoughts and feelings with, people who could help to complete us more fully and vice versa. In community, we are given the best example of what Godly relationships should look like and how they can be fostered. The ultimate goal of any Christian community should be to draw each other closer to God and to encourage and build one another up.

I am incredibly grateful that over the years I have been able to take part in these types of communities. I pray that you have, too. Whether these communities were a result of the churches I attended, the Christian universities I went to, or the service opportunities I had where I could live amongst young adults (for a season), I am incredibly grateful for all I have learned in these settings.

Nevertheless, there are a few things I missed out on learning. Mainly related to sexuality. You see, not all churches are comfortable discussing sex and sexuality. Some are, and that’s great. But growing up, I found that sex was meant to be a private matter, something that you would just inherently figure out once you got married. It’s no wonder then that I grew up basically oblivious to sexuality and with many unfortunate preconceived ideas until I was well into my twenties. I’d like to share what I wish my church would have taught me about sexuality here:

#1: We are all intricately woven creations of God. Regardless of whether or not we have a partner, no one can take that away from us.

One of the most popular Psalms reads “For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+139&   version=NIV)

Our worth does not come from being in a stable relationship or even in getting married, it comes directly from the Father Himself. Although in theory all churches would espouse this theology, there is a lot of pressure on young adults to date. Sometimes when a person is in their late twenties or thirties they may even be asked if there is something wrong with them or why they haven’t met anyone yet. Even when statements like “so when are you going to bring home a guy/girl?” or “get a boyfriend/girlfriend” are made in jest, it can make someone who is lonely and desperately seeking marriage feel even more stigmatized. Rather than churches focusing on the pro-creation aspect, we first need to remember that God has a unique plan for each one of us and that first and foremost we are His sons and daughters.

#2: You may go off to Bible College and seminary and still not meet anyone special.

You may laugh or roll your eyes at this one, but you’d be surprised at the amount of students I’ve met in my travels who claim that the sole reason they chose to go to Bible College or seminary is so that they could find someone and get married. While the academy is definitely a great place to meet people who have similar interests and theological leanings to you, its sole purpose is not to be a match-making institution. If that’s all you’re hoping to get out of the experience, you may be solely disappointed when you leave and you’re still single and $100,000 in debt. God, may choose to give you a spouse when you’re in school, but it’s best to remember that the point of Bible College and seminary is to grow academically, to learn how to minister for Christ, and hopefully to grow in your faith as well. It’s not to find that someone special.

#3: You may experience sexual temptations. That’s normal, but you can always choose not to act on those impulses.

Many times our church and our society seems to place a double standard on women than on men when it comes to sexual purity. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, women are seen as a-sexual or able to control their sexual passions better than the men, and unfortunately as a result many women who do feel the stirrings of passion might feel that they are indeed gravely sinning. I believe that since God created us as sexual beings, the majority of us will face various temptations at points in our lives. Rather than berating ourselves for finding someone attractive or for fantasying about another person, we need to step away from the scene, ask God for forgiveness, and then move on. We shouldn’t suppress our natural inclination to want sex, but nor should we act like savage animals when we see a hot celebrity. Churches can’t ignore the fact that for 99% of people, their first inklings for sexual pleasure will likely be pre-marriage.

#4: Sex on your wedding night might not be magical. In fact, it might be awkward, uncomfortable, and even a bit frightening.

Now, I’ll admit that I am single and have never been married so I have no idea what my wedding night will be like; but I think those of us who grew up in the Christian church can attest to ideas like when we get married we will know exactly what to do and how to do it and it will be magical because we will know that we have saved ourselves for this moment. How beautiful will it be to lie beside a guy knowing he is the first guy you will share this time with? I believe that God created sex for our pleasure and as an extension of our love towards one another, but I also know that going from holding hands and nothing more into full-blown intimacy will likely not be an easy tradition. Don’t set your expectations so high or you may be let down significantly.

#5: You may be single and that’s okay too.

As I’ve mentioned in several of my other posts, oftentimes marriage is seen as the highest ideal amongst Christian groups. Many evangelicals simply cannot understand the importance of celibacy and see it as something which will only serve sexual frustration. They may even believe that God doesn’t want to withhold marriage from anyone because He designed us as relational beings. However, when we think things like this we ignore a significant population of people who may feel called to be single or who may end up never being married for whatever reason. As a church, I think we need to work towards the inclusion and embrace of all people. If someone is single in our church, we should think of ways to continue to allow them to be part of service opportunities and to create spaces where married couples and single adults can intermingle with one another. Churches shouldn’t place any pressure on their young adults to date. If the young adult decides to date on their own, then well and good, but we need to wait for God to give them the permission to go ahead rather than to ostracize them and make them feel they have no place in the community.

So there you have it. Church will never be perfect and human sexuality will likely continue to be a hot button topic for as long as the institution exists, but hopefully we will be able to gradually move away from prejudicial viewpoints into an accepting and loving embrace of all.