What I Wish I Would Have Known (Exposing Marriage Idolatry For What It Is)

marriage Believe it or not, when I was 22 I co-authored my first book.  It was an anthology exploring various Christian and theological topics, and I chose to write a section on celibacy.

Why celibacy?  At that time in my life I truly believed being single was just as special as being married.  I saw no major rush to be in a relationship, let alone to be married with kids.  At that time in my life, I honestly did not even know whether I ever wanted to be a wife and mother.  I loved travelling, my education, and the independent life.  However, within two years, everything all changed.

At 24 I moved to the city of Edinburgh, Scotland.  It was my first time living abroad, and like most, I took as many opportunities as I could to have an exotic life.  When I wasn’t learning to drive on the other side of the road using manual, I was off trying to check off as many sights as I could on my ever growing list.  I tried haggis and deep fried Mars bars, I drank a pint of Irn Bru (and decided I hated it), and I began cooking my famous salmon recipe (fresh from the sea).  Somewhere in all of this I decided it might be fun to try to find myself a Scotsman and get married to a kilted boy.  This never happened, but I did meet an Indian man.

This Indian man, was very kind at first.  He listened intently as I told him stories, he took me on long hikes and loved being my photographer for the day.  He was an excellent chef, and we used to get together to watch sermons on Youtube.  However, it only took about a month before discovering his true character.  When we were out with other people he often was kind, compassionate, and well-spoken.  But when we were alone, he belittled me, was a cheater, and wanted to keep everything secretive claiming he was simply a “very private person.”  I was quite inexperienced in the dating realm (having only been in 2 previous relationships – one when I was in high school which honestly shouldn’t even count, and the second when I was 21 but which only lasted 3.5 months).  However, even with my limited knowledge of dating, I knew enough to say, “this doesn’t feel right.”  The worst part of it all was his constant pressure for us to get married.  He claimed that in India where there were arranged marriages, people already knew the first time they saw someone.  He was adamant that we would get married, the sooner the better.  I weakly suggested 6 months, which then became 3 due to the constant pressure.  Eventually we broke up, him claiming that the “relationship was dead.”  There was no point to go bowling, to the cinema, or even just to hang out unless we were meeting together to plan all the details of our wedding.

After I broke up with this man, I remember going on a trip four hours away to Inverness.  It was here that God told me that He had someone special planned for me, but that it was not the right time to introduce me to this person.  I was at peace with this and even came to enjoy the single life because I had so many other friends who were single.  I was just loving life way too much.  Why should it matter that I was 25 and still unhitched?

I came home to Canada, keeping this same resolve and attitude for exactly three months, until marriage soon began creeping in and its idolatrous forces literally began eroding and destroying my life.  I was constantly unhappy, comparing myself to everyone I knew around me who was married.  Their lives seemed perfect and flawless.  I envisioned getting married to have all those same perks – status from the church, those special secret hang-outs that only double-dates seem to be invited to, planning a future and a life together, and those long and sappy Facebook posts complete with pictures.  Jealousy and envy reared its ugly head as I began a route of self-pity asking myself what I was doing wrong and if there was something inherently wrong with me.  I counted up my qualities – I had an education, lots of friends, a good family or origin, what I thought was a strong faith – were these not good enough for a man?  The hardest part of it all was seeing friends get hitched who went on to say that marriage to them was simply a piece of paper.  They were doing it for reasons of convenience or insurance.  Why did God want them to be married when marriage meant nothing to them, but not me to be married when marriage meant everything to me?  This idolatry crept into my life – invading every waking and sleeping moment.  Soon, I couldn’t watch TV, go to the theatre, or go on a walk without the thoughts beating against my brain.  Soon, every conversation I had with friends somehow ended up revolving around my unhappiness at being single.  I viewed singlehood as a punishment and the worst thing imaginable.  I do not doubt that this caused a strain on quite a few close friendships.  Thankfully, many friends stuck by me even in this mental torture, but I do know that it often did irritate and frustrate them.

The Bible describes idolatry as placing anything before God or giving anything God’s rightful place as number one in our lives.  Many of us view idolatry as images made of wood and stone, like in the ancient times, but the Bible is clear that idolatry literally can be anything – thoughts, emotions, ideas…that make our mind run astray instead of focussing on the truth of Christ. Even seemingly good things can become idolatrous if we have an unhealthy and obsessive view towards it.  For example, food is good and necessary to physical health.  We cannot survive without food, and it can be quite enjoyable for us to take great care in decorating and presenting the food in a special way.  However, if we over-indulge with food to the point that it makes us ill or we starve ourselves for fear of getting fat, we therefore have created an unhealthy and obsessive view towards food and thus food has become an idol (or as some may say, an addiction).

It is the same with marriage.  From the beginning for the Bible, God created humans with a need for a social network (primarily in marriage).  God said that this design of men and women needing each other was good.  It is not bad or wrong for a Christian woman to dream of and desire marriage, however, it is unhealthy and idolatrous when it is all she thinks of  and allows it to make her unhappy and miserable.

I made some mistakes while I was trying to figure it all out.  In my first 3 months in Scotland (the second year abroad), I went on 9 dates with 5 different men.  I don’t regret this because we did not cross any lines or barriers and always kept it in public locations, however, looking back, I do realize how incredibly foolish that was.  Thankfully, all these men were Christians so nothing happened, but it easily could have.  A young, single girl in a foreign country going on dates with random guys from the internet she’s only spoken to over text once or twice could easily have become a recipe for disaster.

Thankfully, God rescued me from all of this.  What I mean is that God had other plans.  It hasn’t always been easy to keep my focus on Him, and sometimes I still drift way too far into the future, but little by little, God was preparing me for something far greater than what my finite human mind could comprehend.  God actually did have someone in mind for me, someone who is far better than anything I would have wished for myself.  Someone who meets all my criteria – even before he even knew my list existed.  I wasted precious time which could have been spent enjoying the company of friends, travelling, and investing into my work, being obsessed and worried that I would be the only single person on the face of the planet left.  What a lack of faith and trust in God!

It isn’t easy being single and it can be lonely sometimes.  But here are some things I wish to share with any of my brothers or sisters who are still struggling in their singlehood.  I won’t pretend to have all the answers (or even all of the questions!) but I still hope it encourages you nonetheless:

* When I look back on the way God orchestrated my life and the emergence of my relationship, I am in awe.  God knows what He is doing and His timing is immaculate.  I actually knew this guy for years and we have been friends so long that I considered him as a brother.  When we finally came together, I remember us both asking, “Why now?”  What if God would have introduced us in this particular and special way earlier?  God alone knows, but I believe it was for a reason.  Maybe we were not ready back then and maybe we are different people today.  When I look at all the opportunities that have shaped me and all I have gone through (positively and negatively) I can honestly say on my part that if it had been even one year sooner, we might not have come together in such a glorious way as we now have.  I do wish, it would have been 24 or 26, but God was working in my life in ways that I didn’t even know about to prepare me to be the woman I am now.  It can be discouraging when people younger than you are getting hitched, but we are all growing and learning lessons at different rates.  What is monumental for one person might not be for another person and vice versa.  My singleness allowed me my two years or life abroad which prepared me for the challenges a cross-cultural relationship can bring.  My singleness also permitted me time to focus exclusively on my studies.  Sometimes people who get married young are given the blessing of having a family right away (which is awesome), but many times they miss out on these other opportunities like travel and school.  We don’t need to worry about our biological clock when we serve the author of time!

* Be open-minded.  God may work in ways you never thought were possible.  For example, lots of people I know are simply not willing to try to go online.  But what if your future husband is waiting there?  Some women worry about dating someone they have known so long, isn’t he a “brother” and hasn’t he been “friend-zoned?”  Maybe so, but then again, things might have shifted.  Obviously, I am not suggested that you do anything that it totally out of your element or that you might feel uncomfortable with, but if we are truly opening ourselves up to the Lord’s Will, then we need to be willing to take a few safe and calculated risks from time to time.  If you only go to the places that you usually go to, chances are you aren’t going to meet anything you don’t already know.  But let’s say, you’re willing to try a different church or join a different small group or even to approach a woman at a coffee shop or bus station.  It’s a risk, but you never know what can happen.  I even know of a real story where a woman met her husband while at the train station.  They got on the same train, began talking and three hours later when they reached their destination  and exchanged numbers.  Less then one year later they were married.

* Have faith.  I thought for a long time that I was having a problem with surrender.  I could not allow myself to give up the chance of meeting someone.  I didn’t know what would happen if I gave God this type of permission in my life only for Him to turn around and say, “actually you’re one of those I’ve called to be single forever.”  Looking back now, I realize it was not a problem with surrender, but with trust.  I honestly could not totally abandon myself to God trusting that everything would work out and that He actually did have someone in mind.  God promised me 4 years before I started dating that He had someone for me, but I tortured myself for 4 years by not believing it and condemning myself to a life of celibacy.  Today, I know how important it is to speak words of faith and affirmation over our lives.  If you constantly say negative words to yourself like “no one likes me.  I am unattractive.  I don’t have anything to offer.  I will be single forever.”  It will likely happen.  If you turn it on its head and declare truths of Scripture, a massive transformation can begin to unfold in the way you view yourself and the world around you.

* Don’t lower your standards.  Don’t allow desperation to permit you to go out with a man who doesn’t treat you right or a woman who is catty and emotionally abusive.  Don’t allow fear of being older permit you to go out with anyone who does not place Christ first in their life.  Don’t paint the red flags white.  Trust and believe that you are worth it.  Don’t settle for anyone less than the one God has for you.  Age is no reason to panic.

* Here’s the downer part, contrary to many other Christians, I actually don’t believe there is someone for everyone.  I don’t see this anywhere in Scripture. Instead I see that there are some who were born eunuchs, some who were made eunuchs by men, and others who became eunuchs for the sake of the Kingdom of Heaven. That being said, I do believe that people who are legitimately called to celibacy often know they have this gift.  God is not trying to torture us by keeping us single forever, if that’s not our gift.  One of my closest friends really summed it up by saying “Some people prefer the single life and do well, some could care less and for others it’s sheer torture.”  When I was single, it did feel like torture, but today I know that it was God moulding and shaping me and He had a bright future ahead of me.  Once when I was really struggling with singleness, I was listening to the Bible on my phone and it came upon this famous verse,

“Therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. Is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes? Look at the birds of the air; they do not sow or reap or store away in barns, and yet your heavenly Father feeds them. Are you not much more valuable than they?  Can any one of you by worrying add a single hour to your life.

“And why do you worry about clothes? See how the flowers of the field grow. They do not labor or spin.  Yet I tell you that not even Solomon in all his splendor was dressed like one of these.  If that is how God clothes the grass of the field, which is here today and tomorrow is thrown into the fire, will he not much more clothe you—you of little faith?  So do not worry, saying, ‘What shall we eat?’ or ‘What shall we drink?’ or ‘What shall we wear?’ For the pagans run after all these things, and your heavenly Father knows that you need them.  But seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own.” (Matthew 6:25-35)

If you truly give your heart to the Lord and seek first how you can be of maximum benefit to Him and to others and how you can best minister for the sake of the Kingdom. He will provide everything else.  God knows that we need a spouse.  God knows we need that constant companionship and partnership.  But if we are seeking marriage first as a way of idolatry, it won’t be a solid foundation.  If, however, we are seeking the Kingdom first believing that our marriage will provide even more force for evangelism and witness and using our marriage as a model of Christ’s love towards the church, then God will help to establish it.

Marriage is not meant to be a selfish means to a selfish end.  It shouldn’t just be about status, prestige, or cutesy pictures on Instagram.  It should primarily be a means of raising a Godly family and standing up in a culture that is not based in purity and in trust.  Christians are called to higher standards than the rest of the world.  Christians can model Christ’s holiness and love by the way they treat their spouse and family, by remaining pure before and within the marriage context, and also by avoiding any appearance of evil which might lead to misunderstanding among non-believers (even when that isn’t the case).

Both marriage and singleness have their unique blessings and challenges.  One is not better or worse than the other.  One is not harder or easier than the other.  Both can be incredibly hard, difficult and painful in different ways, and both can be amazing, and a blessing in different ways.  If you are someone waiting for the one God has in mind for you, please don’t give up.  I know from previous experience how detrimental vain wishing can be.  How destructive marriage idolatry can be both for your own soul and for the friendships you have around you.  But I also know from my own experience how waiting on God’s timing and trusting His process over our lives while continuing to serve Him in whatever capacity we find ourselves in is the most beautiful thing imaginable.  I pray that you may find this same result in your life as you seek first the Kingdom of God and allow marriage and family and all these other things to be given to you, as well.


What’s a Christian to do with LGBTQ+

transgblogimage About a week ago, a mega church in my home province of Canada wrote an emotional letter to two members of the congregation.  In the letter, the pastor laid out that this couple were not living by Biblical principles and were not receptive to the challenge and rebuke of the elders.  It was not an easy letter for the pastor to write.  He expressed the pain and heartache he felt (coming from a culture that practices excommunication I know it is no easy thing.  It is never done lightly and often there are many tears shed over it, always with the hope of full restoration).  What did this couple do that was considered so bad that they were now “poisoning the church” and causing “dissension?”  and why did everyone from that town feel they had to jump onto social media giving their viewpoint and opinion of what had happened?  The answer is simple: the couple was gay and had chosen to live a homosexual lifestyle.

Every church (whether people come forward or not) has a host of members who struggle with various sexual sins and temptations.  In a recent Bible study that I am doing with my 18-30s group in Scotland, we have taken to reading the entire Bible together for a year.  Throughout both the Old and New Testaments we see how the sexual instinct has led many people astray and even caused the nation of Israel’s downfall.  Whether it was the womanizing of Samson, the abundance of wives of Solomon (who in his later years caused him to worship false gods), or Esau’s blatant disregard to his parents’ wishes by marrying outside of the faith right from the onset, there is no shortage of showing how marriage can either build up or tear down our relationship with Christ.  In fact, 2 Kings 8 writes about a king named Joram.  Joram was an evil king who did wrong according to God’s law, but what started him out on that path?  The Bible writes “He [Joram] followed the way of the kings of Israel, as the house of Ahab had done, for he married a daughter of Ahab.” (2 Kings 8:18)   Who we marry is one of the most important decisions we make in regards to our faith.  When I was in my first year living abroad, I attended an International Fellowship retreat with my church.  We had a time where individuals could write down any question they had about the Bible or Christianity anonymously and someone wrote “if so many Christians are married to non-Christians and  it works out, why can’t I marry a non-Christian I love?”  The elder’s response stuck with me “when you get married it will either double or halve your ministry.”  If you or someone you care about is struggling with sexual temptation of any kind, it is important to know that there is nothing new about this.  It is an ongoing thread throughout Scripture, but it does not mean it is impossible to conquer and be victorious over.

Christians who experience same-sex attraction often will face a host of emotions due to their struggles.  On the one hand, we live in a culture where “anything goes.”  Those who don’t practice Christianity (and even a few who do) often have no issue with living a homosexual lifestyle.  People are being taught in mainstream culture to be true to themselves, not deny their impulses and urges, and that “love is love.”  This can cause some Christians to feel bitter towards the church.  Lots of questions come up: “Why would God make me gay and then not allow me to be with the one I love?”  “If I choose to be in a same-sex committed partnership what is really so wrong with that?”  “Maybe the church is just old-fashioned.  After all, the Bible was written in different times and maybe it’s not all applicable for today.”  Some non-Christian counselors and friends may even suggest that the Christian worldview towards same-sex attraction is “detrimental, unhelpful, or even harmful.”  Some have even classified it as “brainwashing” or “spiritual abuse.”

I have read widely on this subject, and as is the case with any other hot button topic in Christianity, one can find opinions and theological backing from both sides.  There are many books written by authors who are same-sex attracted Christians stating that although the orientation is not wrong, the act itself is, and these authors have chosen celibacy.  There are many other books written stating a case in favour of homosexual partnerships.  These theological arguments include references to obscure passages in Leviticus condemning eating pork or shellfish, or statements such as “Jesus never spoke about homosexuality.  I don’t think He would care.”  While I do believe these pro-LBTQ authors may have some valid points, as a theologian myself, I have consistently found their arguments to be quite weak.  If it were up to me, I would permit same-sex relationships, but I am not the one who wrote the Bible.  The Bible speaks of marriage only in terms of a relationship between a husband and a wife.  In our day and age, many people don’t like this, but the reason for it is because it was God’s original design for creation.  Although science is working on same-sex couples having their own biological children, as it stands right now, the only way to have a child whose DNA is 50% yours and 50% your partners is to have a male sperm mixed with a female egg.  Not only that, but men and women both bring different abilities and personalities to the forefront.  The complementary within marriage where a woman is to serve alongside her husband and her husband is to lovingly lay down his life for his wife, cannot fully be matched in a same-sex partnership.  Most importantly, marriage is meant to reflect Christ’s relationship to the church.  I was having coffee with my former small group leader recently and she put it this way, “marriage is not just to satisfy our own marital needs (a euphemism for sex), but to be a witness to the world.”  We live in a world where marriage is considered a throw-away commodity.  So many people are going into marriage today when their heart is not in a life-long commitment.  Marriage has simply been reduced to a piece of paper, but that’s not the way it was intended to be.  God created marriage to be the only means of sexual relations and the physical representation of His culmination of love for the church upon His return.

So, most Bible-believing Christians would express the need for heterosexual marriage only, but what then of the Christian who struggles with same-sex attraction (SSA)?  Are they all of a sudden “fallen, depraved, and corrupt?”  No.  Not any more than any of the rest of us are.  There has been much speculation over the years about what causes someone to be same-sex attracted.  Research has been poured into it, but there are no conclusive answers.  Most will attest to there likely being some biological difference in someone’s genetic make-up (in which case, the individual cannot control who they may feel attracted to).  There are likely also some cultural or familial reasons in some cases.  Sometimes an individual who grew-up with the absence of a strong father figure (for example) may try to seek refuge, love, and acceptance from other men, or a girl who grew up feeling that her parents preferred a boy may act tomboyish and perhaps even wish to be a boy herself, but this is not always the case.  Yes, there may be cases stemming from a “broken and bruised childhood”, but there are many other examples of same-sex attracted Christians who come from a strong, healthy, and supportive home.  When it comes down to it, SSA is just like any other temptation.  It can hit anyone at any time.  It is no respecter of persons.

It is true that sometimes Christians have done and said hurtful things towards their SSA brothers and sisters.  Sometimes these words or actions are done out of ignorance or simply being scared of the unfamiliar, however, I would like to propose now a few simple ways that you can reach out to those who struggle with homosexual feelings within the church:

#1: Look at people, not issues. – When dealing with SSA it is important to remember that there are real people involved with real feelings and emotions.  SSA is not simply an impersonal theological debate, but it is one that involves a lot of heartache, tears, and agony.  Christians with SSA often struggle between having to choose their faith or their orientation.  It is not an easy decision, nor should those who have never walked this path look at it this way.  Regardless of whether a SSA Christian chooses celibacy or gay marriage, there will be myriad struggles.  If a Christian chooses celibacy it means they will be giving up that which they so long for.  It may seem unfair that they will never be able to attain their hopes and dreams for marriage and family in the way non-SSA Christians can, and for some, singleness can be an unbearable weight of loneliness.  In this case, it is important to reach out to and offer other ways of attaining deep and meaningful connections and non-romantic relationships.  On the other hand, choosing marriage presents its own problems – Scripturally and practically.  SSA marriage likely will not be accepted into every church anytime soon and those who choose this path may well risk losing friends and family which can be equally heartbreaking.  In either case, I personally feel it is beneficial for SSA Christians to be in close contact with pastors, wise Christian friends, supportive mentors, and also professional counselors.  One friend put it this way “In either case, something will be lost.  [The SSA Christian] is either giving up their religious viewpoints [at least as they know it] or their desires and both need help and counselling.”

** On this note, it is important to remember that not all heterosexual marriages are strong nor will all SSA marriages end in disaster.  It is entirely possible for a SSA couple to have a healthy, happy, and meaningful connected marriage.  In fact, SSA couples may adopt and raise children who grow up with a positive view of relationships and marriage.  This does not mean it is right.  A heterosexual marriage still provides a certain dynamic which is impossible to achieve within a SSA marriage, but we should not demonize or demoralize those who do choose the SSA marriage path.**

#2: Understanding jargon – Many Christians prefer to use the term “same-sex attraction [SSA]” over “gay”, “lesbian”, or “homosexual/homosexuality.”  The reason for this is because SSA refers to an orientation whereas “gay/lesbian” often refers to engaging in the practice or active pursuit of the orientation.  Almost all Christians would agree that the orientation itself is not a sin, however, the practice is going against Scripture.  We do not choose who we feel attracted to, but we can choose whether to entertain thoughts about that person and the more we entertain the thoughts the more likely it is to act upon them.  Almost everyone has thought they were in love with someone they shouldn’t be with.  Some heterosexual people have felt a strong attachment towards a non-Christian or even someone who is married, for example.  This should not be considered as better or worse than someone who is facing attraction for the same-sex.  It is also important to note that even if a Christian does identify as gay/lesbian, it does not mean that they are in favour of all aspects of the LGBTQ movement.  If you have a SSA Christian friend, please ask them which terms they prefer to use, and also do not use any terms which they themselves are not comfortable using.

#3: Don’t act weird – many Christians have an unfortunate idea about what it truly means to be SSA.  Suppose, for example, that your best friend comes out to you and tells you that she experiences SSA.  You might right away begin to worry, “is my friend into me?”  You may even wonder, “should I still be seeing this friend one-on-one in my house?”  All of a sudden you might start reading into it if she is touching your shoulders, giving you a hug longer than normal, or patting your knee.  Please don’t act weird about it!  That only makes matters worse and further alienates a person.  SSA is the same as heterosexual orientation in terms of attraction. Just because someone is SSA does not mean that she will instantly be drawn into and develop a crush on every female that she sees.  If you are a heterosexual woman, you don’t have a crush on every single man you see.  In fact, you might spend a lot of time with a man and even have a high regard and respect for him, but never once think of him in a romantic way.  You don’t necessarily read into every encounter you have with a guy, so why do that with those who are SSA?  Equally, don’t ask your SSA friend if they have a crush on you as a joke and then act hurt when they say no.  This is immature and painful.  Don’t talk about the wonderful love life you have with your opposite-sex spouse in the hope that it will convert them.  It won’t.

#4: Create spaces of community, welcome, and warmth – Being SSA can be a lonely and isolating experience, so make sure that you don’t ignore the needs of your friend.   Especially if your friend chooses celibacy, remember to invite them along to events, spend quality time with them, and celebrate other milestones.  As people get older and move on to get married, they often tend to gravitate towards other married couples or couples with children.  People with SSA can feel left-out, so it’s a nice gesture to have a dinner invite or even ask them to help with the kids.  This is the same not just for those who are SSA, but for single people in general.  I remember going through a very difficult time in my personal life about a year back.  I was living on my own in my own flat.  I started feeling depressed and gained a lot of weight.  I hated eating alone and would go out a lot.  I spoke to my doctor about it, and she said that this is a common problem among single people.  “We were not meant to live alone.”  How true that is.  Scripture has a high regard for celibacy and never once puts down single people, but it also clearly states that we were meant to live in community.  We are meant to be with other people for fellowship and friendship.  We aren’t meant to do life alone or go through our struggles by ourselves.  When someone chooses the celibacy path, it is nice to know there are options to create this sense of community.  Some have chosen it through intentional living, and others through meaningful friendships.  Knowing someone is SSA is not a chance to pull back, but an opportunity to invest more.

#5: Connect with their story – I have often heard it said in evangelical settings “people can argue with your theology, but they can’t argue with your story.”  How true that is.  There are a number of good books out there that deal with the theology of being SSA and are clinically written, and those are good and useful.  But what’s even more useful are the number of memoirs written by those who are SSA who have struggled through it and are conquering it.  If you know someone who is SSA and you have a copy of one of these books, perhaps lend it out to them.  Personal stories are powerful.

#6: Finally, be consistent!  – The church has often held a double-standard towards sin.  The Bible is clear that all sin hurts God’s heart, but sexual sin is even more important to avoid because “all other sins are committed outside the body, but sexual sin is committed against the body.” (1 Corinthians 6:18)

I recently read a book by Preston Sprinkle “Living in a World of Gray”.  This book, written about SSA and the Christian experience, is targeted towards teenagers, but would be beneficial for anyone to read.  I loved what Sprinkle had to say in regards to the question “should I attend a gay wedding?”  Sprinkle wrote (paraphrasing here as I have since returned the book to the church library) that when answering this question we need to look at the person getting married.  If they are not a Christian we should ask ourselves if our presence would hurt or increase our Christian witness.  If we attend are we therefore saying we condone the marriage and if we do not attend are we therefore giving the impression that we do not approve of them as a person.  He further writes, if the couple is Christian, then we must make a choice.  If we choose not to attend a gay wedding, then we should not attend any wedding at all that is unscriptural.  I love this!  I went to Bible College and seminary and the majority of my friends are Christian.  Even so, I have attended weddings of my Christian friends who have lived together before marriage, advertised the fact that they had sexual relations before marriage, and some of them have been through an unbiblical divorce. The Bible is clear that the “marriage bed is meant to remain pure” (Hebrews 13:4).  It also states that anyone who divorces for any reason unless it is because of unfaithfulness has committed adultery (Matthew 5:32).  In this day and age, I think there are some rare exceptions where divorce can be permitted.  There are sometimes irreconcilable differences and of course, if abuse is involved we cannot expect a partner to stay within that dynamic as it would hurt them and their children.  However, these exceptions include extreme cases and everything should be done within that couple’s ability to work things out and seek healing, hope, and counselling.  Simply “falling out of love” no longer feeling a “romantic spark” or “lacking chemistry” are not good enough reasons according to Scripture to give up a sacred and holy union.  If you are going to come down hard on gay marriage, then you must come down hard on all other sexual sins and temptations.  Gay marriage should not be elevated as “the WORST sin” because it isn’t.  It is a sin, yes, but not any more of a sin than any other sexual relation going outside Scripture.

Here’s the wrap up.  My pastor and I recently had a chat about SSA and what it means to the church and she told me “same-sex attracted Christians struggle in a way that heterosexual people don’t have to” and she is right.  There are challenges and issues known only to those who have SSA.  But there are also challenges and issues that we all face.  Sexual temptation is a universal denominator and singleness can be difficult regardless of whether you are SSA or not.  Nevertheless, the church would do well not to be awkward towards people with SSA.  The Bible teaches us that temptation only has power when it is in the dark, but when it is brought into the light there is hope and healing (1 Peter 2:9).  If someone from your church comes forward and declares that they are wrestling with SSA, you should know that it is because they trust you.  You don’t have to feel bad about challenging a SSA Christian with Scripture – don’t give into the lie that you are being “homophobic.” But nor should they feel like they will lose your friendship if they go that route.  Our world is broken and sin has permeated it, but that doesn’t make SSA Christians “broken and sinful” any more than any other Christian is.  Engage your SSA friends with a heart of love and compassion, engage with mercy, banish fear, practice love, live for hope, root yourselves in holy sexuality.

5 Things I Wish My Church Taught Me About Sexuality Before I Turned 25

index In the beginning God created the earth, the sky, the sea, the plants and the animals and He looked around and saw that it was very good. But He still was not content. He wanted someone with whom He could share life more deeply and more intimately, so He created a man named Adam. God was happy with Adam. Adam seemed to fit the job description of being someone who could commune and love God, but this time God wasn’t completely satisfied. He said, “there’s something missing. It’s not good for a man to be alone. He needs community. He needs someone who He can share his time with and give his life completely to.” And so God created a helper for Adam. Her name was Eve. Once both men and women were created, God saw that it was very good. And thus the human race began.

This story is one of the first Bible stories I ever learned and I am grateful that I did. It shows from the outset that God has certain priorities for His children, and these have not changed even several thousand years later. God has intentionally wired us for friendships, for relationships, and for many of us, for marriage. God didn’t design life to be done solo, He desired for us to have people to share our thoughts and feelings with, people who could help to complete us more fully and vice versa. In community, we are given the best example of what Godly relationships should look like and how they can be fostered. The ultimate goal of any Christian community should be to draw each other closer to God and to encourage and build one another up.

I am incredibly grateful that over the years I have been able to take part in these types of communities. I pray that you have, too. Whether these communities were a result of the churches I attended, the Christian universities I went to, or the service opportunities I had where I could live amongst young adults (for a season), I am incredibly grateful for all I have learned in these settings.

Nevertheless, there are a few things I missed out on learning. Mainly related to sexuality. You see, not all churches are comfortable discussing sex and sexuality. Some are, and that’s great. But growing up, I found that sex was meant to be a private matter, something that you would just inherently figure out once you got married. It’s no wonder then that I grew up basically oblivious to sexuality and with many unfortunate preconceived ideas until I was well into my twenties. I’d like to share what I wish my church would have taught me about sexuality here:

#1: We are all intricately woven creations of God. Regardless of whether or not we have a partner, no one can take that away from us.

One of the most popular Psalms reads “For you created my inmost being;
you knit me together in my mother’s womb.
I praise you because I am fearfully and wonderfully made” (https://www.biblegateway.com/passage/?search=Psalm+139&   version=NIV)

Our worth does not come from being in a stable relationship or even in getting married, it comes directly from the Father Himself. Although in theory all churches would espouse this theology, there is a lot of pressure on young adults to date. Sometimes when a person is in their late twenties or thirties they may even be asked if there is something wrong with them or why they haven’t met anyone yet. Even when statements like “so when are you going to bring home a guy/girl?” or “get a boyfriend/girlfriend” are made in jest, it can make someone who is lonely and desperately seeking marriage feel even more stigmatized. Rather than churches focusing on the pro-creation aspect, we first need to remember that God has a unique plan for each one of us and that first and foremost we are His sons and daughters.

#2: You may go off to Bible College and seminary and still not meet anyone special.

You may laugh or roll your eyes at this one, but you’d be surprised at the amount of students I’ve met in my travels who claim that the sole reason they chose to go to Bible College or seminary is so that they could find someone and get married. While the academy is definitely a great place to meet people who have similar interests and theological leanings to you, its sole purpose is not to be a match-making institution. If that’s all you’re hoping to get out of the experience, you may be solely disappointed when you leave and you’re still single and $100,000 in debt. God, may choose to give you a spouse when you’re in school, but it’s best to remember that the point of Bible College and seminary is to grow academically, to learn how to minister for Christ, and hopefully to grow in your faith as well. It’s not to find that someone special.

#3: You may experience sexual temptations. That’s normal, but you can always choose not to act on those impulses.

Many times our church and our society seems to place a double standard on women than on men when it comes to sexual purity. Unfortunately, for whatever reason, women are seen as a-sexual or able to control their sexual passions better than the men, and unfortunately as a result many women who do feel the stirrings of passion might feel that they are indeed gravely sinning. I believe that since God created us as sexual beings, the majority of us will face various temptations at points in our lives. Rather than berating ourselves for finding someone attractive or for fantasying about another person, we need to step away from the scene, ask God for forgiveness, and then move on. We shouldn’t suppress our natural inclination to want sex, but nor should we act like savage animals when we see a hot celebrity. Churches can’t ignore the fact that for 99% of people, their first inklings for sexual pleasure will likely be pre-marriage.

#4: Sex on your wedding night might not be magical. In fact, it might be awkward, uncomfortable, and even a bit frightening.

Now, I’ll admit that I am single and have never been married so I have no idea what my wedding night will be like; but I think those of us who grew up in the Christian church can attest to ideas like when we get married we will know exactly what to do and how to do it and it will be magical because we will know that we have saved ourselves for this moment. How beautiful will it be to lie beside a guy knowing he is the first guy you will share this time with? I believe that God created sex for our pleasure and as an extension of our love towards one another, but I also know that going from holding hands and nothing more into full-blown intimacy will likely not be an easy tradition. Don’t set your expectations so high or you may be let down significantly.

#5: You may be single and that’s okay too.

As I’ve mentioned in several of my other posts, oftentimes marriage is seen as the highest ideal amongst Christian groups. Many evangelicals simply cannot understand the importance of celibacy and see it as something which will only serve sexual frustration. They may even believe that God doesn’t want to withhold marriage from anyone because He designed us as relational beings. However, when we think things like this we ignore a significant population of people who may feel called to be single or who may end up never being married for whatever reason. As a church, I think we need to work towards the inclusion and embrace of all people. If someone is single in our church, we should think of ways to continue to allow them to be part of service opportunities and to create spaces where married couples and single adults can intermingle with one another. Churches shouldn’t place any pressure on their young adults to date. If the young adult decides to date on their own, then well and good, but we need to wait for God to give them the permission to go ahead rather than to ostracize them and make them feel they have no place in the community.

So there you have it. Church will never be perfect and human sexuality will likely continue to be a hot button topic for as long as the institution exists, but hopefully we will be able to gradually move away from prejudicial viewpoints into an accepting and loving embrace of all.