Book Review: Four Gifts (By: April Yamasaki)

80334  The other day I sat at a local café with a new friend in Inverness.  After some brief pleasantries and the usual catch-up, our conversation turned to self-care.  Although a few years younger than me and still a student, I could relate to her struggles.  Struggles of trying to balance work, school, ministry, and friendship.  Thoughts of wondering how to be a leader when one is not offered actual leadership development courses.  The constant tension of how to maintain and make meaningful time WITH God instead of just FOR Him.

These are all questions and issues I’ve wrestled with myself time and time again.  I was honest with her – I know I have the tendency to be a workaholic.  I am overly enthusiastic, passionate, and find great satisfaction in serving others, but I can’t do it all.  Sometimes as a Christian I particularly face the challenge of what is ministry and what is simply being walkover (or as some might even say “co-dependency.”)  It is easy to explain away saying “yes” to every request that comes on my table, but is that truly the best option?  Is it really what Jesus would do?  Yes, Jesus does want us to reach out and help the lost, the struggling, the sick, and the misfortunate, but should we do it at the expense of our own body and soul?  Is there a limit to serving?  We cannot serve out of an empty vessel or as one timely quote goes “obviously, you cannot transmit something you haven’t got.”

I remember well the days of burn-out that I’ve faced.  I burned out of school, church, and ministry placements (whether paid or voluntary).  Burn-out has affected my physical health, my mental state, and my relationships.  I remember in seminary trying to do a full course load, working 3 part-time jobs, and also volunteering once a week on top of trying to keep up a rigorous social life.  In the end of the day, the thing that should have been the most exciting and fulfilling to me (time with friends) actually ended up just further draining me.  My friends became frustrated and resentful saying that I was no longer fun to be around.

Since I’ve started my full-time disability ministry five years ago, self-care has become a large facet of my life.  I’ve read a lot of books on it, talked to various ministry practitioners, and even took a week off work to take an academic course “Self-Care In Ministry.”  So when April (a woman I consider to be a friend due to our shared online presence) asked me to review her book, I was delighted.  Self-Care is an avenue that Yamasaki is clearly passionate about.  She has written extensively about it on her blogs and in other books, and it is clear that this is something she very much considers vital to her ministry.

Like I said, I’ve read various books on the topic, so what makes Yamsaki’s book stand out to me compared to the other literature I’ve read?  To be honest, there are a lot of self-help books on the shelves at libraries and in bookshops.  Most of them are helpful, articulate, and practical.  Yet Yamsaki’s book furthers the conversation and adds a new element of depth and dynamism.

Scripture tells us that we are to “love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind, and strength” (Matthew 22:37) and Yamsaki delves into how it would look if we practiced all four of those areas in our self-care.  Calling them the “Four Gifts” Yamsaki shares stories, practical suggestions, and illustrations about how community, soul-care (including reflection and lament), engaging the intellect and even how we choose to relate to food, exercise, and sleep can lead to a more fulfilling relationship with God.  Furthermore, she explores areas of cultural relevance to our time such as responsible usage of social media and online presence and the growing mental health and sleep deprivation concerns sweeping our world and our nation.  She writes from a Canadian viewpoint (which of itself is great, we need more Canadian authors), but her kernels of wisdom can impact anyone regardless of country.

What I particularly appreciated about Yamasaki’s book is that she does not have a “one-size fits all” approach.  She recognizes that some suggestions may work well for some and not for others due to various factors.  She realizes that self-care may mean eating a slice of chocolate cake one day and choosing to eat vegetarian the next.  She exerts that some days self-care may be about NOT doing one’s usual self-care techniques whether journaling or drawing.  It is in that sensitive space of permission that I find a desire for self-care is born.  Self-care shouldn’t have to feel like a chore, but sometimes it is about actually doing the chores around the house.

I have always appreciated anything written by Yamasaki and this book is no exception.  I really love April’s intellectual and scholarly mind coupled with her incredible passion and fueled by her pastoral sensitivity to truly care for her readers.  This is a book that I am excited to share with my friend and with any other young church leaders I meet.  I feel many would benefit from the wisdom and depth of insight she imparts to all who are willing to be taught.

 

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Downs With Love – A Play Review

20180612_211601 Human relationships are complex and fascinating, but what happens when a girl with Down Syndrome falls in love with a man who ends up being her carer’s boyfriend?

In “Downs With Love” a play that toured throughout Scotland, Beth (played by lead actress Abigal Brydon) becomes friends with Tracey, her support worker.  Tracey and Beth get together multiple times a week to sing, watch TV, and do chores, but Beth wants to take Tracey on a special outing.  Every Friday night, Beth goes to the local pub where she listens to a singer named Mark.  Mark is handsome, has an angelic voice, and is around her age, and Beth hopes that he will one day fall in love with her.  At first Mark ignores her and finds it difficult and awkward to relate to someone with a disability, but as support worker, Tracey, urges him to at least be friendly and kind to Beth a friendship forms.  Mark, Tracey, and Beth all begin spending time together, going to the movies, going out for coffee, and going bowling.  Eventually Mark works up the courage to ask Tracey to go on a date with him.  Tracey does not feel comfortable going behind Beth’s back, but she agrees as long as it is just a casual date, not a “date date”.  Yet as Mark and Tracey grow closer together, they both start getting more and more distant from Beth who truly believes that something might eventually happen between her and Mark.  Soon the day comes when Mark and Tracey have to break the news to Beth, a moment she does not handle well.  She is devastated and feels like her friends have betrayed her.  She questions whether it is all about her disability and if she were simply “normal” if she would have the chance for love.  Yet, at the end of the play, all is remedied as Mark and Tracey get married and Beth forgives them both and is truly happy for them and so their relationship continues.

The play “Downs with Love” is based off of Beth’s (Abigal Brydon’s) own experience.  Abigal is part of a local theatre troupe called Inspire that welcomes actors of various ability levels.  Abi has even succeed in her dream of being a professional by taking classes at a local college, though her ultimate dream is to one day be on television!  Throughout the play, Abi weaves in her past humiliations of being bullied in school and seen as different, as well as her day-to-day routines and her own previous relationships.  It is a play that is at once realistic, thoughtful, and thought-provoking.

After watching the play and having the question and answer session with the panel, I came away with so many questions about how our society perceives people with disabilities in relationships.  Do we view that as awkward or romantic?  Do people with disabilities have enough resources to learn about relationships as the general public?  What is right or wrong in a relationship for someone with a disability, who decides that, and why?

This play really showed me that it is so imperative to support those with disabilities to accomplish their dreams in the same way as we would for anyone else.  It is important to be honest, upfront, and to be clear about boundaries.

I have never seen a play quite like this one, but I believe this is the start of something amazing when it comes to disability inclusion in the theatrical world.  The director, Suzanne Lofthus, has so many upcoming dreams for continuing to make similar plays and maybe in the future, films.  Until, then, I am excited to see more actors with developmental disabilities taking centre stage and reminding us of how love can be a possibility for us all.

The Generous No – Self-Care as a Lenten Discipline

This article is part of a MennoNerds Synchro-Blog reflecting on suffering during the Lent season of 2015.  To read more articles in this series, go to http://mennonerds.com/tag/mennonerds-lent-2015/.  To find out more about MennoNerds in general, go to http://mennonerds.com/about.

sayingnoThe statistics are shockingly high – 25 percent of North Americans suffer from depression, fifty percent of marriages end in divorce, and career satisfaction is at an all-time low. Affairs are on the rise, pastor’s kids lament that their father (or mother) spent more time nurturing the church than raising their own family, and even after switching careers five or six times, Canadians still regret not earning the high income they think they deserve.

As a product of this culture, I can readily attest to the strain workaholism can produce on one’s emotional and physical well-being, marriage, and life. I have taken entire courses dedicated to how to care for one’s self spiritually and emotionally while engaging in rigorous ministry, and know all about the slippery slope ignoring your body’s warning signs will send you down. And yet, I choose to ignore them. Time after time, I find myself in the same predicament: over-committed, over-worked, and just about ready to quit.

This year in particular has been a challenging and stressful one for me. While I feel incredibly blessed by the numerous opportunities I have to serve in various ministry placements, an overload of studies and multiple part time jobs can cause me to feel easily annoyed, distant from friends, and over-tired. That’s why, I realized that this year I had to make a change.

It all stemmed from several smaller conversations with friends. I realized that I was getting exasperated with multiple questions, would intentionally avoid social outings so that I didn’t have to be with people, and was living off of 4-5 hours of sleep almost daily.   All of this was very out of character for me. As an extreme extrovert I generally cannot get enough time in with friends, but suddenly enjoyable activities because just added weight to my schedule, taking up time I already didn’t have.

Soon, emotional side effects gave way to physical and even spiritual side-effects. I have rarely been overworked to the point of experiencing head-aches or twitching, but suddenly it was taking place. I began feeling cynical about theological assignments, was frustrated with the amount of church visiting we had to do, and during my weekly seminary check-ins my statement would usually begin with “I’m stressed part 1/part2/part3.”

Having come to the realization that my body was warning me to either slow down or burn out, I was forced to make a decision: what is more important – pleasing people and denying myself or living a healthy and active life doing the things that mean the most to me? I think the answer here is pretty clear: the second one would be difficult at the beginning, but overtime it would produce more fruit leading me into a more impactful ministry in the long-run.

That’s why, this Lent I decided to do something different. Instead of the usual: giving up cookies, cake, chocolates, or Chaucer, I decided to give up my busy schedule. I decided to give up saying yes to things that caused me to be bitter and depressed. Instead, I decided to say no in order to say yes to myself and to the people I truly care the most about.

This hasn’t been easy by a long shot. People still ask me to be their personal taxi, private editor, and empathetic counselor almost every day. Sometimes they guilt me into the task with words like “I thought we were friends,” “I’d do the same for you” or “It’s the Christian thing to do.” But I have gradually had to learn to resist it.

Jesus did tell us to love others, to serve the broken, and to administer justice, but He never once said to do it at the expense of our own lives and our own health. Instead, throughout the New Testament, I see the injunction to love others as freely flowing out of a deep and profound love and respect of ourselves, giving of the excess of our talents and gifts in order that we can keep giving, rather than giving grudgingly out of a depleted stash.

What does this look like, you may ask? It means giving myself permission to say “no” or “not today, maybe later” when someone asks me something the same day my essay is looming. It means allowing myself to say “you didn’t really give me that much notice, do you think we could try again next week?” when the gas prices have skyrocketed and they are asking an unnecessary favour. It means allowing myself to go to bed at a reasonable hour and to get the necessary rest and sleep I need so that I can wake up rejuvenated and alert enough to edit papers, watch children, and stack library books correctly.

In reality, my schedule has not gotten any freer. I still take 5 master’s level classes, work 20 hours a week, and try to make time for friends on the side, but internally something has shifted. Internally, my mind has slowed down and has time to truly process and enjoy what is happening and externally I am back to my usually bubbly self. My weekly time commitments haven’t changed – what’s changed is my ability to reject activities that cause stress. In the end of the day, I see how by saying no to activities that compromise my morals, one-sided friendships, and personal taxiing, I am able to say yes to my young adult’s church group, long-time friends who have gone by the wayside, and soothed nerves that haven’t been exposed to rush-hour traffic in a few days.

I’m far from perfect and I’m still learning how this whole self-care thing works in the long-run. There are still so many brilliant and lovely friends who I haven’t visited with in ages and who I miss dearly. There are still so many activities I wish I could partake in, but reasonably do not have the time to do so.

This year my Lenten practice of engaging in self-care has the potential of developing into a lifelong habit that will continue to sustain me for the long-haul in ministry. May I ask you a question? What’s holding you back? What in your life is propelling you to keep doing the very things that are sucking your energy and draining your zest rather than enlivening and enriching your interactions? May I suggest that this Lent, you identify those problem areas and then lay them at the Cross? May I suggest that you allow Christ to fill your heart and soul with new strength and vitality as you make time for yourself, your friends, and your family?

Psychologists suggest that it only takes about 40 days to make or break a habit. Let’s make this Lent our time to make a habit that will truly matter for the long-run. God bless!