2 original pieces I wrote back in 2009 for your enjoyment (these both were pieces that were part of my Grade 12 Writer’s Craft anthology). There are currently 5 copies of the complete anthology circulating around Canada. Both original pieces are copyrighted 2009.
Obituary for Sin
SIN, Violence (Nee Hostility)
Violence passed away after giving her life in a huge battle. Ironically, she was fighting Peace who refused to take up arms, but held firmly to his ground. Thus Violence sealed her almost certain fate. She will be missed by many. Dear mother to Gun and Physical Violence. Sister to Taunting, Hurtful Words, and Bullying. Grandmother to Murder, Resentment, Unhappiness, and Glum. Great-Grandmother to Bitterness, Pestilence, and Plague. Aunt to Exploitation, Malice, Anger, and Greed. Violence was a long time soldier who served in Satan’s Destructive Battalion. She won many awards including the Red Badge of Talking Lives That Could Have Been Saved, and the Golden Crest of Making Sure Others Were Constantly Tormented. She is also to be thanked for persecuting many innocent people. A funeral service in her honour will be held on June 28 at 3pm from the Moody Superiority Institute with Commander Guerrilla Warfare and Soldier Commandos officiating. Internment at the Craven Coward Cemetery. Donations may be made in lieu of flowers to the Making People Miserable Foundation or to the School of Weaponry.
Eulogy for Violence
Violence was born on the Day Sin Entered the World B.C. in the small town of Bitterness, located just a few miles south of Eden. He entered the world when his mother, Eve, and his father, Adam, decided to sin by eating the forbidden fruit from the tree. He had many brothers and sisters including Cain, Ahab, Jezebel, Judas Iscariot, and Herod. Most recently his parents have had other children such as murders and soldiers who fights for the glories of war (out of respect, they will not be named). Violence has also had many aunts, uncles, and cousins such as Resentment, Self-Pity, Anger, and Rage. Surviving him are his beloved wife, Much Afraid, and his children, Revenge, Grudge, Hurt, Abuse, Pain, and Ill-Will, as well as his beloved dog, Fighting.
Violence passed away in a tragic accident last night on his way home from a meeting in the town of Care-Less. As he got into his car and headed for his home in Tragic-Springs he hallucinated and thought he was seeing a deceased enemy – Peace, jumping in front of him. As a result, he hit the railing at the intersection of No Faith and landed in a ditch. He remained unconscious for about half an hour (police estimate) before a kindly old gentleman named Grace who was in the car with his wife, Mercy, and grandchildren, Joy, Gentleness, and Self-Control noticed the car in the ditch. They called an ambulance immediately and within seconds, Violence was airlifted to a hospital in the town of Patience. It is said that once they had landed, he regained consciousness, but once he saw the words “Patience District Hospital” he went into convulsions. Within fifteen minutes he was pronounced dead by Dr. Love, and Nurse Kindness.
Violence was well known for his active work with organizations such as “Civil Wars Incorporated”, “Guns, Bombs, and Missiles”, and most recently with the “Moral Deficiency Campaign”. He was well known for his dedication as a soldier in many different wars, and his book entitled “The Art of Killing Without Being Killed”.
Violence taught us that doing the right thing was always wrong and that it is okay to get what you want even if it means hurting or threatening someone else.
Although some are saddened by his death, we look forward to a world of peace, justice, and mercy. Farewell, Violence. Adieu.